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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.