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Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
I liked you better before we met.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.