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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”