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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.