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Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
It`s gonna be hotter than Billy Ray Cyrus after watching his daughters performance on the VMA`s tomorrow!
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...