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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!