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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
Gravity is a real downer.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...