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eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"