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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.