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Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.