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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like