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If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
Marriage is for quitters
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.