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Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
What do you mean this posting of the BBQ ribs you made is not an invite?
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!