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If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.