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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.