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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
I`m starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I`m concerned
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.