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It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes