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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.