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If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.