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When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.