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is 100% sure that you are looking at my status. (:
Will be drunk until further notice.
I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.