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That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.