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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.