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I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.