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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.