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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
If the shoe fits, buy it.