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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
Running behind is my cardio.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.