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You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.