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Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) I`m not motivated enough B) You would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.