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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Go ahead caller 9!!
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you`re really clingy and annoying
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.