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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Why do people with the most to say contribute the least?
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.