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Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
Be good ... or I will text Santa
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.