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How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.