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Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
Little to no thought was put into this status.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Honk if you wanna see the finger
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.