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It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.