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Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.
MARRIAGE TIP: Don`t get fat.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.