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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
Why can`t everyday be football Sunday?
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.