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Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
As if " cray cray" wasn`t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to " cray"....that`s just stu stu
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!