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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.