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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I hope this snowstorm doesn`t impact my schedule of aimlessly wasting my day online.....
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?