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Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.