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I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.