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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
Grabbing a drink after work is perfectly fine.However, you look like an alcoholic when your getting that drink at 6am.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.