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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."