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I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."