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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?