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Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.