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I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
Soup of the day: Beer
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
Well, all I have to say is TGIF. (Post this on any day but Friday to get comments)
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
I have nothing to update. I`m just making it look like I`m doing something at a party so people won`t talk to me.