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First fart at my new job.
Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
dear journal..im now the coolest kid in school....mom:SWEETIE THE CHESSCLUB IS HERE 4 U!!!
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
Just once Iād like to learn something the easy way.
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.