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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought Iād take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.