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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I started to question my sanity this morning, It told me to "Shut up and chew through the straps....). I was free by noon......Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!