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You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out