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Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
Technically, every picture is a before picture.