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Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
Sometimes, you wonder what the hell the music video has to do with the song.
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.