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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
I give myself the best presents.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
How`d this get posted?