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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
Women.Some men undermine, disrespect and consider them weak,forgeting the countless spanks they got from their mothers
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.