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Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.