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I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
Question everything...Or should you?
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.