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Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
Grabbing a drink after work is perfectly fine.However, you look like an alcoholic when your getting that drink at 6am.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.