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“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
i hate it when other people hate the person i hate!!!
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.