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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.