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Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
Stay Calm, take a breath, and reload.