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Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.