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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
what happends when chemists pass away...We Barium.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. Iām thinking about getting her a treadmill.
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?