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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
I have nothing!
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!