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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.