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For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
Remember waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but Iām going to be too busy sitting on mine.
thinks we should all jump out of our chairs and do the 5 second happy dance! READY! GO!
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?