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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
Back in my day we had 9 planets.