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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.