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I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!