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There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.