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What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
I`ve done it in the bathroom, I`ve done it in the bedroom, I`ve done it in the kitchen, on the couch, outside, in the bus, yoo I just can`t seem to stop this texting.:)