Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
When in doubt, take a nap.
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut