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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) I`m not motivated enough B) You would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.