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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
what happends when chemists pass away...We Barium.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.