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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
is in no shape to exercise
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Back in my day we had 9 planets.