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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Now accepting applications for partners in crime. Please read all fine print:adult language and partial nudity may be required.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
I love long legs.... Long sexy legs.....But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.