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I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet