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Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.