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You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.
You had me at 0 mutual friends