Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
Similarities between BRA and BAR 1. Both have similar letters 2. Both are drinking zones 3. When both opened men go crazy "prove me wrong"
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
Never laugh at your wife`s choices. You are one of them :)