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Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
Being human is expensive and exhausting.