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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
It`s called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons".
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.