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Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!