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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
I was born at a very early age.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.