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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.