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I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.