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This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.