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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`