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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.