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My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.
Back in my day we had 9 planets.