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A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
Hold boobs not grudges.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.