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Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.