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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.