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I would like to remind everyone it`s not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
We can`t all be princesses, somebody has to clap as I go by. :P
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.