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The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
I`d say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. ... just sayin! ;)
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.