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Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.