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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work