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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!
Teens are always full of energy until someone says the words "clean up".
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.