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At least my motivation gets to sleep in.
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.