Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."