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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
The best things in life require no pants.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
I’m not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.