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Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms for me please!
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude