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To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome